Whether or not we intend to present ourselves as such, it is inevitable that our children look to us, their parents, as their role models. Children learn their behavior and take their cues by the way we respond to them and their world in general, and by observing the way we present ourselves and react to the entire world around us. Knowing this, we strive to be positive role models to teach our children how best to deal with their environment.
In presenting ourselves as role models, it’s important to show the positive aspects of our personalities. One aspect to model for our children is how to learn about and interact with their environment in a way that is safe and non-threatening. Modeling the positive ways we Nurture, Express Emotion, Communicate, Show Respect, and Learn and Educate can help children feel secure in their environment. These feelings and actions can permeate through all aspects of their and our daily lives.
In our capacity as nurturers, the ability to openly show and accept love and concern is paramount for children to experience and learn from. Demonstrate with shows of affection such as hugs and kisses. Sometimes a reassuring touch on the arm is all that is needed to display affection. Show interest in your child, his or her activities, and make a point of meeting, knowing, and accepting your child’s friends. (See the FamilyIQ CD Seminar, ‘Parenting 101 and the Love Language’).
As emotional guides, we should keep our displays of emotion real and to try to take a problem-solving stance whenever possible. Displaying real emotion is a positive behavior. Anger is a real emotion, but instead of letting it get out of control, wait for it to subside – it will -- and allow yourself a ‘time-out’ to give things a moment to cool down when feeling angry. (See the FamilyIQ course on Anger Management). Once you have calmed down, think about how to solve the issue or problem, and then show your children how you take steps in allowing your anger to abate and attempting to solve the problem. Speaking clearly and calmly can help diffuse a touchy situation. Consider a mediation approach and show your children how to compromise.
Communication is a two-way street – children who have good communication with their parents develop a bond of trust and will come to their parents rather than go to their friends for advice. When modeling communication, the key is to actively listen (see the FamilyIQ course ‘Active Listening’). Let your child know that you are available and are willing to talk to your child anytime and listen to your child about anything.
Show your children that respect is gained by the quality of character. In order to gain respect, one must show respect, to your children, to your peers, to everyone. (See the FamilyIQ course, ‘Teaching Your Child Respect’). Discuss and model ways to solve problems with your children without fighting.
Allow your children to see that you don’t know everything, and that you’re always willing to educate yourself and to continue to learn. Read out loud to your children and encourage them to do the same when they are able to. Educate yourself in what your children are interested in: the kinds of things both positive and negative that your children are exposed to and that you should be aware of. Let your children know what you approve of and disapprove of and why.
Everything that you do or say is used by your children as a model by which to live. Therefore, being a positive role model for your children is an important and critical responsibility. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, modeling healthy attitudes and having warm family relationships can protect children from violence and many other risky behaviors, in addition to providing them with the tools to living a safe, fulfilling and secure life.
Reference: National Mental Health Institute: Parents: Be Role Models for Your Children (2003)
For more information, see the following FamilyIQ courses:
Parent as Role Model
Active Listening
Teaching Your Child Respect
Anger Management
CD Seminar: Parenting 101 and the Love Language
Shari Landes worked as a senior researcher in experimental psychology at Princeton University for 15 years, primarily studying learning, cognition, and linguistics. She has an extensive web presence, beginning with the development of one of the first websites that provided resources on ADHD and related disorders. She has published numerous research articles and book chapters (MIT Press).
